I am alone. Never in my life have I felt so lonely. The quiet has always been my refuge, but as of late, it’s felt encompassing, as if it was closing in on me. Usually, I am surrounded by noise and take great comfort in silence. It has always been a time for me to catch my breath, yet recently it has felt loud and isolating.
The grief feels like it will never end. Wave after wave keeps crashing over me. There will be a null where I can catch my breath for a split second before the waves return. Sometimes it feels like I will surely drown. There is so much pain buried within me that has been waiting to be resurfaced and released.
I am purging everything that is immersed deep inside me. Just when I think it’s finished, it rears its head to purge some more. I am in the midst of learning a very difficult lesson. In addition to the pain I am currently struggling with, I am being asked to find solace in myself instead of seeking consolation from others.
I am being shown to seek reassurance in my own presence. I can sense how this will serve me in the long run. In my mind’s eye, I envision a woman filled to the brim with overflowing confidence, abundance, and a groundedness in who she is. But right now, I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.
The thought of doing this on my own brings me to my knees. My presence feels empty. This journey feels impossible to tread. I’ve always leaned on others, especially in times of struggle. Still, I feel it is time for me to learn this next lesson. I am ready, or it would not appear before me now.
I am allowing the quiet to soothe me once again. I am finding refuge in the silence where sacredness speaks into my heart. In the past few years, the quiet has been my safe place, where I can go to unwind, relax and de-stress. In this space is where I can really listen to my heart’s desires and process my daily life.
I have had many incredible epiphanies during these most spiritual moments with myself. I travel into my depths in the company of silence. It is a familiar friend. The moments when I’m alone are the moments I feel most connected to the Divine. In this space is where she speaks to me.
She’s been whispering in my heart words that scare me but also liberate me. She tells me I am free to cry when I am sad but not to linger in the sadness. She tells me not to be afraid of my joy. While I’m riding these waves, I can let go in the moments I feel happy and allow myself to embrace the joy amidst the pain.
I was surprised by how unnatural that concept felt to me. My brain was telling me there was a proper time and place to feel happy, and it was after my grieving period was finished. But I could glimpse the wisdom my heart was trying to reveal. Again and again, I have to remind myself, time isn’t linear.
I’m going to experience many conflicting emotions, and that’s okay. One doesn’t have to end before another begins. Sometimes we force ourselves to feel what we think is appropriate. In the end, I think it’s best to let go of any preconceived notions and just allow ourselves to feel whatever comes up without making ourselves right or wrong for it.
Truth can be found in the silence and stillness of our being. When I enter the quiet space within, I give myself the opportunity to learn and grow from this truth. Truth is not convenient, especially in a world where lies and convenience go hand in hand. It’s uncomfortable and sometimes feels unbearable.
Sometimes I wonder if I had known where this spiritual path would take me, would I still go down it? I certainly could not have expected my life to take so many twists and turns; however, I wouldn’t change a thing. I still cannot see the whole picture, but I continue to place my faith in myself and continue onwards.
Quotes:
That’s the thing about pain…it demands to be felt. – John Green
I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own. – Chaim Potok
In the long run, the most unpleasant truth is a safer companion than a pleasant falsehood. – Theodore Roosevelt
Being on a spiritual path does not prevent you from facing times of darkness, it teaches you to use the darkness as a tool to grow. – The Minds Journal
I show my scars so others know they can heal. – Rhachelle Nicol