Ever since I can remember, I have always tried very hard to be good. As a child, I helped my mom raise my brothers and sisters. I helped cook, clean, change diapers, held them when they were upset, played with them when they were bored, and did pretty much anything I could to help my mom with the responsibility of raising eight kids.
I tried to step up because I could see the help was needed. It felt good to be needed. It felt good to be the kind of person others could rely on. I felt proud of who I was, and I would look for ways to chase that feeling. It got to the point that I was so busy being what everyone else needed that I never took the time to ask myself what I needed.
Unfortunately, that habit followed me into adulthood. As I continue on this healing journey, I can see that I am very identified to being a good person. I have strived for so long to be the epitome of what I imagined a nice girl to be. Above everything else, it was the most important thing to me.
I made sense of the world around me by thinking the answer to the world’s problems was to be good. I felt that if everyone could be good, then the insanity I perceived in the world would not be happening. I ran with that train of thought for a long time, and it only brought me suffering.
As a result, I judged myself harshly when I behaved in a way I thought was bad and judged myself worthy when I acted in a manner I considered good. Either way, it was a lie, a lie stemming from the idea that we have to behave a certain way to be loved and accepted.
We don’t realize that at the root of our anxieties and stresses lies the fear of not being enough. In trying to be good, I neglected to take better care of myself. When I could have said no, I said yes. Where I could have drawn a boundary line, I let myself be taken advantage of.
When I could have stood firm, I bent over backward. Over and over for years, I put others before me, all so I could call myself a good person. I neglected myself in the worst of ways. I never put myself first and developed a deep mistrust within my being.
How could I trust myself when I didn’t take care of myself? How could I love myself when I didn’t even know what self-love looked like? For a long time, I couldn’t do either. It hasn’t been easy to reverse this practice. I started by first changing my state of mind, then by putting it into action.
I had to unlearn the thoughts and ideas that created this persona. It isn’t easy because the conditioning runs deep. It has been a slow process, and while I have made some progress, I can still see where my mind clings to that conditioning.
I know that state of mind doesn’t serve me, but I still fall into the trap of trying to be good, although I have made some headway recently. I now have a self-care routine that I as often as I can. I do yoga, which helps my body by relieving tension stored in my muscles.
It helps my mind by focusing on the present moment and letting all thoughts go, and it helps my soul by breathing in healing light and breathing out negative energy. I have had moments on the mat where I start bawling my eyes out while I’m holding a certain position.
I absolutely love what yoga has been doing for me. I also do reiki on myself at least once a week, balancing the energy flowing through my chakras. I post a blog once every other week, in which I share intimate aspects of myself. It has taken me by surprise how much healing I receive while I write.
I started writing as a means of sharing myself with the world by becoming vulnerable. I didn’t expect it to be so cathartic. Looking back, I see I’ve missed out on opportunities to let my adventurous side loose. I haven’t taken many chances in life.
I let fear rule, and as a result, those missed opportunities beckon waiting to be lived. I am slowly letting myself get comfortable being uncomfortable to reunite with the adventurous aspects of myself. Part of the training we receive as children are learning that mistakes are bad; I was terrified of making mistakes.
They did not fit into my “being good” role, and in avoiding them, I consequently avoided living Life. All those years of playing it safe, trying so hard to make the right choices, and I see now that may have been the biggest mistake of all. I have spent years tightly grasping onto a persona that doesn’t exist.
The person I have been trying so hard to be isn’t real. It’s wholly imagined. It’s a persona that was pieced together from movies, books, relatives, social norms, and the confused little girl who saw the crumbling world around her and declared she would be better.
The only way for me to discover who I am underneath the person I thought I wanted to be, is to Let Go. Let go of the delusion that I have been sleepwalking in. Let go of my attachments to the idea of goodness, to uncover further who I really am.
Letting go allows us to fly, to experience ultimate freedom. I am very excited to see what comes up as I continue to let go. The truth is good doesn’t exist, and neither does bad. What exists is what is. My good may be someone else’s bad and vice versa. It’s all a matter of perception.
Everyone is on their own unique journey and exactly where they’re supposed to be on their path. Resistance to what is creates struggle and suffering. Surrendering to what is creates peace and love. When I say what is, I mean whatever is happening in the present moment.
Whatever life may bring us in all its shapes and forms— accepting it completely, becoming one with it, so that the past and future no longer exist, just this eternal present Now.
Quotes:
“And now that we don’t have to be good, we can be free.” – Glennon Doyle
“Right is not real and should is a cage. What’s wild is what is.”- Glennon Doyle
“We are here to fully introduce ourselves, to impose ourselves and ideas and thoughts and dreams onto the world, leaving it changed forever by who we are and what we bring forth from our depths. So we cannot contort ourselves to fit into the visible order. We must unleash ourselves and watch the world reorder itself in front of our eyes.” – Glennon Doyle
“I will never be that perfect vision I have for myself. I am a multifaceted being with many temperaments and ever-changing ways. Accept who you are completely and let go of the perfect woman you imagine in your mind’s eye.” – Epiphone that came to me while I was on the toilet.