In this world, so many of us are surrounded by a litany of judgments. Everyone has an opinion that they try to impose on others. We see it everywhere we go. We hear it within our own families and communities. Because we are aware of this to different degrees, we let it affect how we choose to live our lives.
I have always been hyper-aware of how the people around me perceive me, to such an extent that I arranged my life in a way where I felt protected from these outside forces. I called it my protective bubble. The fear of constant judgment became the driving force behind my decision-making.
This fear affected my confidence, choice of clothes, choice of hair color, what I ate, how I danced, how I spoke, and what I put my energy into, which all led to my attempt to make myself as small as possible. It felt safer not to be noticed, not to draw too much attention.
So I did everything I could to camouflage into the background. The fear and anxiety were very real; it felt paralyzing at times. It has taken years of healing to see these matters were even connected.
That all these different aspects were woven together and were actually one thing, fear of rejection. I realized the protective bubble that once made me feel safe was suffocating me. It was no longer serving me, and it was time to let it go to make space for the new and unexplored.
There comes a time when we have to make a choice. We can choose to listen and follow the voices surrounding us, telling us what to think and feel, or we can choose to listen to the voice within and carve out our own path.
This course can be challenging, especially when the voices of judgment are coming from loved ones. It is in our nature to want to be accepted by those we love. It can be terrifying to go against the grain.
I’ve come to see that the most important decision I can make is to be true to myself, even if it makes others uncomfortable. I am here on this earth, living my life. Only I can live it. Happiness, peace, and joy are mine to hold, nourish and breathe life into.
It is my great honor to guard these precious energies within my being, to protect my ideas and dreams like newborn foals until they are strong enough to stand on their own. And that is exactly what I’m doing. I am dreaming into existence a reunion with the soul who was born wild and free.
The being I was before the domestication and conditioning began. The beings we are, always have been, and always will be; cosmic, ethereal, and eternal. I behold myself in this truth and am left tongue-tied. My mind cannot grasp the entirety of my being. I feel it somewhat better than I can understand it.
I feel free now in a way I never have before. I am not as afraid to let myself be me. I now have blue hair. I no longer dress to blend in and wear whatever makes me happy at the moment. I love myself like never before, which has skyrocketed my confidence to another level.
I eat what I want. Sometimes it’s nutritious; sometimes, it’s not. I am no longer as afraid to speak my truth and safeguard my boundaries. I am now more conscious of where I place my energy and no longer give others the power to choose the route my life takes.
I have more energy available to me now because it is no longer being siphoned by all of my fears. I channel it into my creative endeavors. I still struggle greatly, but I am learning to cherish the struggle because it shows me other ways to let go and live more at ease.
As I continue to walk this path, it is revealing within me an ardent desire to align my actions and words in harmony for the purpose of exposing the lies of our brokenness so that the truth of our divine beauty may be brought to light.
Quotes:
I had been deceived. The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that there was something wrong with me. – Glennon Doyle
Once you can see that nothing others say or do is about you, it doesn’t matter who gossips about you, who blames you, who rejects you, who disagrees with your point of view. All the gossip doesn’t affect you. You don’t even bother to defend your point of view. You just let the dogs bark, and surely they will bark and bark. – Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz
The problem is you’re too busy holding on to your unworthiness. – Ram Dass
The work is to crumble the barriers of injustice and shame leveled against us so that we might access what we have always been because we will, if unobstructed, inevitably grow into the purpose for which we were created. – Sonya Renee Taylor