I met my husband when I was 17 years old. We’ve been together for 16 years now. At the beginning of our relationship, I remember doubting whether he was the right person for me. I would ask myself, “why doesn’t this feel like I thought it would? Why do I still feel such a deep longing?”
It took me many years and a lot of emotional anguish to answer these fundamental questions. Society sells us a dream—one where a person must find fulfillment through another person, especially when it comes to romantic love. I believed the lie that told me another person would complete me, and only then could I finally be happy.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and warn 17 year old me, “it’s all bullshit!” I could have spared myself a lot of heartache, but alas, I had to go through it to learn from it. I failed to realize that my husband didn’t have the power to make me happy. He couldn’t be there for me the way I desperately wished he would be.
Not because he didn’t love me and not because he didn’t try, because no one has the ability to fulfill another person. I spent years pushing my husband to give me something I could not give myself. I wanted his love to fill me up until all of my insecurities washed away, and I could feel whole.
The problem with that desire that I later learned was that only I have the power to make myself happy. Only I can fill my own cup until it’s overflowing. And so, for a long time, I suffered under the delusion that this was my lot in life. I resigned myself to the fact that my favorite childhood movies had lied to me and true love was a fiction of the imagination.
Everything changed when I learned that love isn’t just something I give and expect in return. Love is the very essence of who I am. The day I learned I am love was when my life began to change. Now, I couldn’t yet fully understand the scope of it. It took me many years to comprehend and emotionalize what this meant.
I slowly began to realize that love lived inside me, had always been gently guiding me, and loved every ounce of me unconditionally. This love had always been there, holding me through every terrible moment of my life and wiping away every tear. She was the all-knowing presence that never once left my side.
As I began to deepen my understanding of this all-encompassing love, I fell hard. Falling in love with my husband had been scary as shit because, unbeknownst to me, all my trauma had been getting in the way. This time was different. I wasn’t scared. It was utterly thrilling to fall in love with someone I knew reciprocated all the love I felt inside me.
I began to see that the person I had been waiting for all of my life was me. I am my saving grace. I am the light, the truth, and the way. I realized I don’t need to look outside of me for the answers, for they lie within. I am everything I have ever wanted and more. I am my soulmate: my great and one true love.
I feel absolute freedom knowing love is my state of being. Realizing this truth helped save my marriage. I stopped putting all the pressure on him to do something he wasn’t capable of. I go within now for comfort, understanding, extra love, and attention. The love within never fails to give me everything I need and more.
Don’t get me wrong, I still go to my husband for these things, but it has a different energy than before. It’s not tinged in the needy desperation to be fulfilled because I do that for myself now. The energy has changed to one of being openly vulnerable and emotionally courageous enough to show him my soft gooey parts.
I now see my husband as a companion and friend instead of my other half. We are two whole people who choose to walk this life side by side every day. I’m so grateful that I was able to find the truth of who I am, but I’m also angry that this knowledge is not more widespread.
I feel sad when I look back at all the years I suffered under the delusion that I must find love outside of me to be happy. I think it’s time to pass on a new love story to the next generation—one where the search for our soulmate comes from getting to know ourselves deeply.
A story that our children can use to empower themselves with the knowledge that they are whole and complete just as they are. They will then be able to make grounded choices that come from their foundation of self-love. The wondrous truth is, once we all begin to accept who we are without judgment, there will be no helping falling deeply in love with what we see.